Characters in search of a plot
by Pooky1234
Summary: Not sure how to describe this. It's a bit of a crackfic inspired by the ideas of the writer, Jasper Fforde.


**As Ianto said to Rhiannon, "I really don't know what this is; it's just different." **

**It's the nearest I've been to writing a crackfic. I am a big Jasper Fforde fan and I love the idea that fictional characters have their own lives. If you've never read one, they start with '**_**The Eyre Affair'**_**. There are so many rumours about possible new versions of Torchwood so I thought the characters would be as puzzled as the rest of us. Let me know what you think because I'm not sure but ……….**

Characters in search of a plot

'Well something is going on otherwise we wouldn't have appeared back here,' Jack said, looking around the Hub.

'Is this a new Hub or the old one?' asked Ianto.

'Not sure but I think it might be new. There are some differences and no Myfanwy as yet.'

'If it's new what am I doing here? I'm dead Jack. Mind you there are thousands of fan fiction versions of me out there. They're mostly exhausted of course. Some of those writers seem to think I'm only good for one thing!'

'Actually I'd say quite a few things. I've read some of those stories. It's a pity Russell didn't write us anything like that. All we got was a few kisses and that nude scene in the hothouse. Mind you that was hot and I did get to spend some time looking at your arse in all those lovely suits.'

'Looks like I'm back in a suit again and my arse looks just as good don't you think?' Ianto smoothed his hands down his cheeks and watched as Jack's tongue fell out of his mouth. He could hear Jack's breathing from there. Damn why weren't they allowed to do anything that hadn't been written already. 'Mmmmm, I just wish Russell had written us some hot action together after that scene in episode three,' Ianto said.

'Oh yeah, the beans scene. It was so frustrating looking into those gorgeous eyes of yours and not being able to follow through.' Now Jack felt even more frustrated by the confines of his character.

'So what's going on then Jack, and why are we both here? I thought that was the end for me. I'm also wondering why my accent seems to be more American at times. It's a bit like the actor who plays you as he lapses between Scottish and American. They really made a good choice with him I could fancy him myself. It feels like there are a lot of ideas floating around about my character but nothing has been settled yet. Do you think RTD is writing us again? I mean he can write you, as you can't die, but me? I'm confused.'

'There are a few possibilities Ianto but I think we could be heading for a US version, so either you're in flashbacks or they're re-doing the series and you're not dead. They'll just cast someone else as you.'

'So does this mean we're not in Cardiff anymore?' Ianto asked, sounding more like he came from Kansas. 'And does this mean that I won't have this face and body. Oh I'll miss it. Mind you he did put a bit of weight on for Children of Earth.'

'It could do. Oh I wonder what it will be like. I love this bit when they're still trying to put us together, don't you? There are so many possibilities.'

'I doubt if we'll be together Jack. No shagging for us on American TV. Let's face it we hardly got anything in Britain. Tosh got more sex than we did.'

'Did someone mention my name?' Jack and Ianto looked around in surprise.

'Tosh, is that you? Where are you?' Jack asked.

'Not sure boys. I appear to be in development at the moment. So someone is thinking of me.'

'We were just saying how you got more sex than the rest of us, and with aliens.' Ianto sounded quite resentful.

'Well they say it's the quiet ones you've got to watch!' Tosh observed.

'Yeah but I was supposed to be the quiet and secretive one,' Ianto added. 'I had to go from protecting my cyber girlfriend to shagging Jack. Then we became the most important gay couple on TV, ever.'

'Not to mention the most handsome,' Jack added, coming up behind Ianto and kissing the back of his neck.

'Mmmm I missed that,' Ianto replied. 'I hope whatever they're writing gives us some more time together. There are only so many long lingering looks that a man can cope with. I'm surprised that this story wasn't permanently shot from the waist upwards.'

'So here we are you and I, and Tosh floating about somewhere. Fancy making a coffee. I'm sure that they'll be a machine around here somewhere.'

'Someone must be keeping me in my usual role then if that's all you can think of me doing.' Ianto got up and decided to go to his usual place in the Hub and there, as expected, was the necessary machine. While he was there the cog that guarded the door to the Hub rolled open and he heard Gwen shout a greeting to Jack.

'Hi Jack. I suppose it's just us back into existence as everyone else is dead. I wonder if Rhys is around. It seems ages since I saw him last. Oh, I seem to have developed an American twang. So is this the American version. I also seem to be swaying my hips more than usual.'

Jack watched as she walked, appreciating her moves, as his character always did. He was a bit surprised to feel things stirring.

'So,' he thought, 'do I get to have Gwen in this one? Ianto really isn't going to be pleased.'

'It's lovely to see you Gwen, been keeping busy? And Ianto is upstairs making some coffee. Tosh is floating around somewhere. Just waiting for Owen to turn up and the original team is all here.'

Ianto came down with three mugs of coffee.

'Gwen,' he said tersely.

'Ianto,' she replied, her voice equally staccato.

They both knew that Gwen had been pretty pissed off that he'd ended up with the Captain and not her.

'So what do we do then just sit around and wait for things to develop?' Gwen asked, positioning herself on the new sofa.

'Don't think we have a lot of choice,' Jack replied.

'Been anywhere nice while I was dead,' Ianto asked.

'Mmm,' Jack replied. 'I must admit I did visit some of the more interesting stories and just stand in the shadows. There is some really graphic stuff out there, certainly more than we were ever allowed to get up to; so much for Russell's gay agenda!'

Ianto suddenly blushed and looked at the floor.

'Ianto?' Jack questioned. 'Why do you look like you did more than watch? Did you get involved? Which ones? Do tell all. Were they that bad?'

'I hope you weren't in some of the ones where you shagged me, eh teaboy. I always suspected that you wanted to get into my pants.' Another voice suddenly shouted across the room but no body appeared.

'Owen is that you?' Tosh asked.

'Yeah it is; the things I've had to do just to remain real. Some of those writers had us in every position known to man and a few that aren't. There was this one where both of you had me at the same time and I had to kiss Ianto. I thought I'd never walk again after that.'

Now Ianto really was scarlet. He said quietly, 'you mean that was really you Owen, not one of the substitutes. Bloody hell we, you, Jack, Tosh, Gwen and John shagged each other senseless; Jesus what we didn't do to each other.'

By now Jack was looking furious.

'You've shagged Owen for real? You, my you, RTD's you? Not some you created by some fangirl. How could you Ianto?'

'What do you expect Jack? I had all these emotions in my character. I knew we should be at it like rabbits but they never wrote it in. I was dying of frustration and well, some of these stories are pretty experimental. Some of the Jack and Ianto's in them are just completely exhausted. I gave some a holiday and just sort of took their places. I'm surprised you never bothered.'

'Well, I might now Ianto but I've had legitimate work to do. I was in the _End of Time_ you know.'

The cog door rolled open again and a rather lanky man, with sticking out ears, in a sailor's uniform, stood in the doorway.

'Hey Jack, good to see you again; looks like we haven't finished with each other yet.'

Jack looked at Ianto. Now it was his turn to look sheepish.

'Is there something you'd like to share with me Jack? Who's he?' Yep, Ianto was definitely not happy.

'Ah, Alonso Frame, this is Ianto Jones. We met in the _End of Time_. I was in a bar and the Doctor introduced us. We only flirted a bit.'

'Yeah who'd have thought that the Doctor was a pimp? I never even knew I was gay until then. Looks like we may get to do more than flirt now I'm here,' Alonso raised his eyebrows.

'Jesus he's my replacement, isn't he. He's going to be the new Ianto in Torchwood 4. He even looks a bit like me, except for the ears. I suppose that gives you something to hold on to. But I'm here too, so what's going on.' Ianto was confused, as well as seriously put out.

'Perhaps,' Alonso explained, 'they're writing two versions, a re-make for America and Torchwood 4 back home. This would mean that they'd need a full cast for the US version and new ones for Torchwood 4. I could be joining Torchwood 4.'

'But they blew up the Hub so where's this?' Gwen asked. 'It's all very exciting. I bet Jack comes back to Earth and brings you with him Alonso but we'll still need new team members. I suppose we just sit around until they appear and it's been decided. We'll have to wait until Russell decides what we're going to do. There needs to be a script for us to read before we can get into it and you know what he's like. One minute we'll be one thing and the next he'll have changed his mind.'

'Yeah,' said Owen, 'don't I know it. I reckon he fancied the actor who played you more than mine Ianto, as you should have died twice. You were supposed to be the undead one not me!'

'That's the trouble with writers, especially when they get to see their creations in the flesh; they do like to make them do things which we sometimes think are out of character,' Jack said. 'For example that scene in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang between me and Gwen – what was that about? I came back for Ianto not Gwen and yet he had me saying those lines to you. I never got why he was so nice to you. Mind you I suppose your character did get better when they brought Rhys in and you stopped lusting after me.'

'Hey, don't blame me it was just the way I was written, and I didn't want you either Jack, truth be told. I'd much rather have shagged Owen some more. Sorry Jack you're just too gay and I couldn't stand Ianto watching us from outside the script, just checking we didn't go any further at any point.'

Before things got too heated the Hub door opened again to reveal Captain John Hart, followed by Agent Johnson and a couple of new faces, well not faces yet, standing there.

'Oh no,' thought Ianto, 'am I being brought back to be with him. Still he does have great cheek bones.'

Captain John swaggered down the steps and hugged Jack.

'You're looking well Captain,' John pushed his hips into Jack suggestively. 'Oh it's so intriguing. I wonder if I'll get to shag anyone this time.'

'I'm sure we could find you a poodle somewhere John,' Ianto sneered, pulling John away from his Captain.

'Eye Candy, I thought you were dead. That was a beautiful death scene by the way. I cried so much. So I wonder how they're bringing you back. I bet its nanogenes or sexually transmitted immortality. Russell T must have made some notes because I've an idea that I'm going to lead Torchwood America; now won't that be fun but I hope he changes the name. I never liked Torchwood. Bikini cops anyone? '

The other three were standing quietly by the door. Agent Johnson had never been inside the Hub and the other two had no personality, as yet, to join in the conversation.

'Johnson, good to see you again,' Jack said.

'Looks like I'm going to be joining you in something Jack, on the same side for a change. Any chance your daughter will be joining us? I liked her.'

'Well we've obviously got two new members. I wonder who they'll be.'

'More coffee anyone?' asked Ianto and they all said 'yes'.

'So the gangs all here, said Jack. 'Now I assume we just have to wait until he writes the scripts. It's so frustrating but I love this bit when you just don't know what's going to happen. It's all there as maybe. So Ianto, fancy exploring the archives while we wait? Perhaps we can find a fanfic or two to play in.' Jack raised one eyebrow suggestively.

Ianto rolled his eyes before replying, 'yes Jack I can think of some but only if Alonso comes with us!'

Jack's smile lit up the room as he grabbed each of them by the hand. 'Call us if anything interesting happens. We may be some time.'


End file.
